Sunday is “America’s Team” vs. “Sports Satan” According to VICE, I Disagree

NFL Conference Championship Football. I'm not used to this concept. I'm from South Florida, so I'm likelier to wake up in a bubble bath with Donald and Hillary playing footsie underwater and exchanging pleasantries via blackberry email over Big Mac's and mimosa's than I am to attend an AFC Championship involving my Dolphins. Most of us enjoy the contests casually, not everyone though. Apparently, some put their Big-J Journalist hats on and turn into Fireball Mario (or Maria) on Bath Salts tossing ridiculous, over-the-top, liquid-hot-magma takes aimlessly in every direction.

https://twitter.com/VICE/status/953326441160159233

Since we are apparently in the business of telling readers what to do, you know what you should do?

Ignore this nonsense spewing scalawag and pick your own team, for your reasons.

"The Patriot's are villainous cheaters with a player, coach, and owner that consider Donald Trump a friend."

The Patriots are also a team who's main fanbase voted 60%/32.8% in favor of Hillary. Jacksonville? 48.5%/47.1% in favor of Trump. Florida itself had nearly identical percentages of 48.6%/47.4%.

NOW who am I supposed to root for?! Tough choice. What do you think Dave Lozo(more like Dave...Bozo, amirite?)? According to Dave, Tom Brady is a snake-oil salesman (fact checking proved this wrong, he is an NFL Quarterback, now who is selling lies Dave?!) peddling magic water while Blake Bortles drinks from the tap and sleeps in a free bar T-shirt he got a couple years back.

The logic here is impenetrable, and the bias is nonexistent. It's clear to me now. I see no other choice but to side with one tall white millionaire over another because he hasn't yet married a supermodel and chooses to eat Cinnamon Toast Crunch with his hand in his underwear while the other soaks in Cage-Free Pixie-Piss after Synchronized Swimming with Sea Turtles to work on pliability and telekenesis.

"The coach is a prick and the star player is an uninteresting quarterback..."

I played for three different (basketball) coaches in college and when they had to answer dumb questions from the press, guess what? All pricks. In fact, one of them (I won't mention which one) was a MASSIVE prick ALL the time 24/7/365/∞. They all acted like that and they didn't have ESPN and their conference commissioner conspiring to tear their teams apart from the inside-out with shaky reporting on half-baked scandals, so what's your point Dingbat Dave? That's right, I gave you a nickname, and not a very nice one at that.

Tom Brady is the Greatest QB of All Time, even if he does refuse to eat strawberries.   Watch him bounce around in the pocket before rocketing a ball 30 yards downfield on the dime at age 40, and then say he's "uninteresting" with a straight face.

I'm a Dolphins fan, I eternally hate Tom Brady, but show some respect. How can a GOAT be uninteresting?

Listen, root for whoever the hell you want, or don't watch at all, I don't give a shit. However, if you do pick a side, don't let it be because you are "standing against tyranny" with this idiot, just make a decision you can live with.

Me? I'm rooting for Blake Bortles and the Jags, not because of political affiliation or choice of fruit, but because I recently found out we are eskimo brothers, and I think that's pretty fuckin cool.

Go Jags.

Colby Wohlleb

Colby Wohlleb is a BBB (Big Brooklyn Blogger) looking to break into the content creation community of NYC through funny words and hardly apparent alliteration. To learn more about Colby, check out his blog here and his socials here.

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