Keep Kangaroos and Loopholing Idiots off my Flight's please

Give somebody an inch and they take a mile, right? Well, you give travelers support dogs and they want the whole animal kingdom. This is one of those topics that is touchy, as the intention of a support animal, as the internet tells me, is to help those with mental disabilities through comfort and companionship. The problem is, just like anything else, people left and right have taken advantage of the rule simply to avoid pet care expenses while they travel, like this asshole who tried to get his/her emotional support peacock on his/her flight out of Newark.

My official stance is this shit is completely out of hand and needs to be reeled back ASAP. It's not fair these people have to deal with anxiety, depression, or whatever psychological disorder they may have, seriously, that sucks a lot. You have my sympathy.

BUT. Keep it to dogs. That's it. Society is fueled by inclusion, but in this case, inclusion does NOT include animals.

If you can't have a dog for some reason then you gotta drive pal. If there's an ocean between you and your destination then save up for a dog. If you have a pet already and it's your emotional support homie but it's a three foot iguana named Ziggy with a leash on it and it's mean mugging 63 year old Sally in seat 24C across the aisle dropping little shit pellets left and right then you don't get to travel because your pet selection sucks and you're giving everyone else on the plane the anxiety you're so actively avoiding.

Some of these people, like the peacock idiot, have to buy an extra seat for their pet because they're too big. That's selfish. All time selfish. Imagine missing out on a flight because the last two seats were sold to Glen from accounting who maybe (remember people cheat the rules all the time) needs to travel with his Support Monkey. Absolutely can't happen.

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I recently flew back to NYC from Fort Lauderdale, FL and since it's Florida I naturally ran into one of these people. A Pear-shaped man had a parrot over a foot tall on his arm. One of these.

 

Imagine if one of these lost it's shit on the flight and flew around pestering people with a trail of those dirty ruffly distressed Macaw feather's scattering in it's wake. NO. THANK. YOU.

If they don't change the rules then I see nothing but anarchy in our future. The list of animals that have been registered as emotional support animals is beyond reason.

Miniature Horses. Snakes. Skunks. Kangaroos.

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Parrots. Pigs. Turkeys.

 

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Tortoises. Monkeys. Iguanas. Rats.

 

Bearded Dragons. Ferrets. And perhaps the most daunting ESA(that's what those in the biz call Emotional Support Animals) is the Squirrel. I've believed for years that squirrels will one day realize that humans can't lay a finger on them, at which point they will take over the world. That's worst case scenario, best case is it goes Christmas Vacation on the flight and everyone else's dogs and pythons and unicorns chase the squirrel up and down the aisle.

Any rodent capable of ruining Christmas can certainly ruin a flight.

 

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That's it. That's my stance. If you buy your ESA from a guy with baseball sized ear gauges in in a shop lit by Blacklights that smells like bodies in a freezer, keep it off Airplanes. Simple as that. Get a Golden Retriever, name her Daisy, and not one soul on that flight will complain when she is rolling around on her back with her tongue rolling out the side of her smiling mouth, begging for belly rubs.***

*** Perhaps the dumbest rule of all is that you aren't supposed to pet ESA's that are adorable dogs. That's an insanely dumb rule.

 

Colby Wohlleb

Colby Wohlleb is a BBB (Big Brooklyn Blogger) looking to break into the content creation community of NYC through funny words and hardly apparent alliteration. To learn more about Colby, check out his blog here and his socials here.

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