Looked for a Pet Online and Ended Up Hating Myself. My Story:

My life is great. Lately though, it's been rather shitty. Recently, I found myself googling best strange pets wondering if I might find something that doesn't smell, doesn't shed, doesn't break the bank, doesn't require maintenance, can be a real bundle of joy, and can fit into my small apartment that wasn't a dog. I love Dog's, but they're the obvious go to, so I decided to wet my curiosity whistle and take a trip down the old Google. 

When I checked all my requests in the 'Advanced Search' Toolbar of my PetFinder, it gave me a link to Midget Rental Service, which didn't help at all, as I'm looking to buy. 

Anyway, I fixed my search parameters and gave the first link, "30 Exotic Low Maintenance Cool Pets That Are Legal To Own" a whirl.

My whirl took me down 5 pages of, without a doubt, the single worst list of potential pets anybody could ever assemble. John David is said to have written this article, and I want to tell the person hidden behind that fake name that you should be ashamed of yourself.

It starts out honest and sincere.

30.) Bearded Dragon - Fine. Never met a normal owner of a reptile, but a decent #30.

29.) Chinchilla

 

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Adorable. A little weird to take a shot (The name though, sounds more like a Mexican Drink off the Bar) at the little fella's name like the Chinchilla's him/herself picked it out, but whatever.

28.) Hedgehog. Sonic's a legend and I'm not here to argue that.

Brace yourselves.

27.) Crocodile

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Low Maintenance: No. --- No shit. Who the fuck actually thinks crocodiles belong on any list?! Alligators? Sure, everyone knows science says the snort is shorter and less scary looking. Does anybody remember what having a Crocodile around consistently did to Captain Hook? He went bananas, that's what happened, because crocodile's are small dinosaurs. What an idiot answer. Look what follows.

26.) Piranha 25.) Scorpion 24.) Boa Constrictor 23.) Tarantula 22.) Cockroach --- at this point I'm losing faith in the journalistic integrity of this source, which I assumed as concrete since I found it on Google.

21.) Iguana - smells 20.) Hermit Crab - useless 19.) Bush Baby - a very viable candidate, except it requires a zoo, so it's not a viable candidate.

18.) Anteater - this requires a prerequisite ant problem, and its face is a carbon copy of my British friend Daniel's penis, so at no point will I enjoy a friendship with this creature.

17.) Flying Squirrel - Putrid

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16.) Flower Bear - Yes. I italicized that to catch your eye the way it caught mine. However, just like a VICE article, the fun stopped with the title.

 

Probably don't put animal's with ***EXPECT THEM TO BE THE ANNOYING TYPES AND GIVE YOU A HEADACHE**** in their description on a good pets list.

15.) Weird Fox - said to require muscle power, I'm out.

14.) Mini-Donkey - Do my word's read like a man that could tolerate horse shit all over my wood floors?

 

13.) Axolotl - Latin for Sad Sack of Shit. The Axolotl's specialty? It is the most bully-able individual in the animal kingdom, and no wonder, look at that tacky haircut. It can regenerate from injuries sustained from being pushed into lockers in between Science and Math class at Fish-School. It is basically Wolverine w/o claws and Russell Simmons rolled into an eggroll. Just pathetic.

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12.) Monkey. It just says "Monkey". No type. I can't pick a monkey out of a Pandora's Box / COD Nazi Zombie Mystery Box, and end up with a Gorilla in my 12x9 sex-free shagpad. Pass.

11. ) Bengal Cat - Best candidate, except it looks as if it would cut my throat and cuddle me while I bleed out in my sleep.

10.) Skunk - I'm actually glad this is so far into this list because had I not invested this much time into this I would have surely X-ed out. Obvious DQ. I don't care if you cut the cords on The Stinky Stuff. Men all over the world have had babies after a Vasectomy. I don't need to worry about my pet skunk pushing a statistically miraculous, historically smelly fart out while I score with hunnies type blogs.

9.) Genet 8.) Capybara 7.) Llama - All three require ridiculous habitats and enclosures of which no normal person can provide. They also all look stupid, like they wouldn’t be able to learn a single trick. No thanks.

6.) Silver Fox

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I've actually seen these in the store before, but they were all young and cute. This guy pictured above though? TOO sly. I mean, I don't spend my days around spies, but I've read a couple novels based on them, and that is definitely a spy that grows old with you but never feels bad about selling all your secrets away despite your growing relationship. It even "originates" from Russia, meaning they are transplants. All signs point to Spy. No bueno. 

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5.) Turtles. 

Nice try with the adorable turtles, but those are sea turtles. I will most definitely not spend the time to fact check this, but I think it's illegal to own those. I once had a turtle named Raphael, it hated being held. One time, Raph got so fed up with my 6 year old self mouth breathing all over him, he attempted an escape, ran off my hand, smacked the tile floor, and died on the spot. Sea Turtles, cool. Ninja Turtles, the coolest. Regular Pet Turtles? Dumb. Plus they give you salmonella, which as a kid I believed to be the world's second biggest threat to my life after quicksand.

4.) Wallaroo - A member of the kangaroo family. Nonsensical. Have I mentioned this list STINKS.

3.) Hippopotamus - that's right, a HIPPOPOTAMUS! Forget the fact they grow to a ton and kill loads of people every year.

2.) Stick Insect 

Look at that useless POS. How am I supposed to cuddle that?.............. (The second I typed that, I had this horrifying vision where I'm talking to a girl and I suddenly jump from my brain to hers and she is thinking "Look at that useless POS. How am I supposed to cuddle that?")  

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1). Some weird, very large bird. I'm not even in the mood to finish after my brain swap vision, but this bird is supposed to be super friendly and all that but everybody knows all birds bite, they are all loud AF, and they shit all over the place.

Fuck this list. Go hit the drawing board www.wordsiseek.com. I not only found ZERO viable pet candidates, but my self esteem plummeted. 

Good day to all.

 

Colby Wohlleb

Colby Wohlleb is a BBB (Big Brooklyn Blogger) looking to break into the content creation community of NYC through funny words and hardly apparent alliteration. To learn more about Colby, check out his blog here and his socials here. Listen to Colby's Bus Ride 

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