Why the Fuck is Everyone I know Pregnant Right Now

I’m just gonna start off by saying that I’m drinking wine from now on instead of water because there is some type of baby toxin floatin’ around that I DO NOT WANT. I guess I am at the age where people are settling down… or moreso just settling. But this baby epidemic is about to give me and my Instagram account a damn heart attack.

Don’t get me wrong, I want my own kids someday… to see little me’s running around with perfect skin, blue eyes and dark hair is a dream - but a distant one. I feel like at 27 you are just getting situated in your career, and truly finding where you want to bury your roots; not poppin out kids the size of watermelons. Idk about you but my vagina, or my life for that matter, isn’t ready to be wrecked just yet. There is so much of the world to see, how is that possible when you now have to pay 3x the amount to go on a simple vacation. Everything that you will do from now on, you’ll have to think about that kid. Unless you’re some meth head whore who’d rather shoot up than give two cents about their offspring… but I doubt someone like that would be reading this. Point being… that shit is hard fucking work. An ass load of money, sleepless nights, and puke everywhere. If I wanted that, I’d do ecstasy until the break of dawn and then drown myself in alcohol. A hell of a lot cheaper.

I mean damn, I know some people on their second or even THIRD kid. C’mon guys… I guess some people only want one thing in life, and that’s to be a parent. More power to you… but what I want out of life is something far more. To truly 1,000% understand myself before I give all my love and attention to little demons. I want to be stable enough where everything in my life is somewhat in order, so that I can give that child (or jesus fucking help me.. a couple of children) the awesome life they deserve. These people who bring kids into this world “on accident,” when they themselves can barely take care of one person… it’s just a pity. I guess life isn’t fair right? The world is just a cold, dark place where shit happens and the rest of us have to pay for your mistake.

The moral to my bible-beaten-belt story is that I’m just basically tired of my friends growing up and having babies. It’s really put a burden on the fact that I still wanna go on spring break cruises to exotic locations and take body shots with my nipples out… but instead, I’m having to buy overpriced baby blankets with teddy bears on them while I watch nipples out for far more conservative matters. I guess until the time comes when I’m summoned to perform an exorcism from my vagina, I’ll continue to travel around the world as cheap and as happy as can be!


Tatum Skipper

A southern bitch from the United States whose sole purpose in life is to party my way through the world. If I'm not catching a flight to a new location, you can find me drowning in champagne. Bon Voyage!

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