So recently, a kid from college (who dated this girl I always wanted to take for a nice sensual stroll down Snuggle Street before making an aggressive turn down ButtStuff Blvd) shared a memory on Facebook. Usually, I don't give a shit about other people's FB memories, I get enough of their current shenanigans as it is. However, this particular memory? Indefinite outlier.
Suck it, Parkman.
Anyway, I went on a total deep dive once I saw this clip and basically rewatched the entire movie via individual YouTube clips. This movie got a 5% rating by Rotten Tomatoes, which makes me want to eat an actual Rotten Tomato and poop it out on the CEO's doorstep. More on the movie.
Rick Vaughn and The Cleveland Native American's had a rough go at the beginning of MLII. Vaughn is throwing junk balls with nicknames that end up 450 feet into left field, Cerrano goes Buddhist and subsequently soft, Willie Hayes is primarily concerned with being famous and nursing minor injuries, the whole team is going to shit, and then management goes and signs that big mean jerk, Jake Parkman.
Well, just like real life, the entire team brawls. Shocking stuff, hated to see it, but the team rallied from it, capped by the best moment in the history of all things marble related.
So everyone on the team rallies, except for Rick Vaughn, who still stinks and is totally rattled by the fans, one fan in particular. Randy Quaid (who we all know as Cousin Eddie) plays Johnny, a very loyal fan who sits in the outfield. He basically turns Wild Thing's brain into soup the entire movie.
Our video begins with Jake calling for what everyone thinks is a worthless maniac with no control on his fastball.
"Give me Vaughn!" Jake yells.
"You mean Rick Vaughn?" says the catcher who can't throw back to the pitcher cause of mental inadequacies.
Johnny starts to crank it up when he sees the call for the Right-Hander: He wants the Riiighty. The Vile Thing! The Grab your throat and Choke Thing!
From the depths of the bullpen, we hear a Rick Vaughn response. But there seems to be some edge in his voice. We can't see it, but we feel it.
Rick: Pull it out your ass, Lard Mouth.
That's no 'regular guy' remark folks. That's a bad boy statement if I've ever heard one. You can't throw those terms around and get away with it unless you possess staggering sex appeal and/or swagger. I use them all the time. Every now and then, this really sweet lady, Margaret, uses Heroine outside my 1st floor window. I throw on a leather jacket, grab my hand sanitizer in case she touches me, and neatly tuck a cigarette between my ear and beanie (makes me look tougher) before telling her, "Drugs are for Dummies. Just say 'No', Ya Turkey" to which she usually responds with "I need a couple dollars, do you want a blowjob?" and I rollerblade away.
So Johnny gets a verbal knuckle sandwich thrown back his way at 101 mph and immediately knows that wasn't the voice of some limpdick, junk ball, reliever way past his glory.
That's the look of a grown man wetting himself in excitement.
We watch Wild Thing emerge from the outfield wall donning his signature cutoff leather jacket and shits about to get nuts.
The soundboard room lady, who is rocking the hell out of those high wasted jeans, sees it's Wild Thing through her binoculars (haven't typed that word in awhile), and reacts appropriately.
Thin waste, nice butt, Soundboard Lady: "Oh My God it's him....CRANK IT JERRY!" she exclaims as she wiggles her way to grab the Wild Thing Theme song cassette, which if I may be so critical, should have been cued in AUX-1 the entire time.
The Guitars hit and we get a visual of Wild Thing walking to the mound with what has to be the Greatest Male Ass in the history of Male Movie Asses.
Thicccccccc. As lame as 99% of all baseball players on Earth are, their pants are the male equivalent of yoga pants. Purposeful Butt Enhancers. Win/Win for all parties involved.
At this point, the crowd is going bananas, which makes sense, as it's October in Cleveland, and none of these people have anything at all to look forward to for at least the next 5 months. Everyone is dancing, it's incredible. Imagine 75,000 people dancing elatedly just at the sight of your presence.
Vaughn gets to the mound and immediately announces he wants to intentionally walk the bases full for Parkman, the big mean jerk I mentioned earlier. He must have gotten traded or something, who cares. Rick gets his way and we get a Top 9, Up 1 Run, 2 outs, Bases Loaded, World Series Game 7 moment, vs the other team's best player, and pitcher's personal rival.
Rick looks like he decides to load up on some Cocaine, which would make sense being Charlie Sheen is the actor. In reality, he is arising from his Good Boy Cocoon to be the Bad Boy Butterfly he was always meant to be.
Not to wrap this up too quickly, but I'm at 900 words and we all know what happens when a pitcher throws those glasses on. Game Over. Parkman even dared Wild Thing to throw another fastball, to which he replied, “Well here it comes Parkman. Ol’ Number 1, the Terminator. You get a piece of it, you can rename it." Smoked it right by him and wins the Championship. They didn’t show the speed gun, but I estimate it between 117-124 MPH.
Incredible. Everyone wins except for Parkman, who is neck and neck with Vince from Fast and Furious on the all-time hardo and/or shithead list.
I simply cannot believe Rotten Tomatoes gave this a 5%. They are dead to me. The only flaw I found in this entire movie actual resides in the clip above. What Catcher would use their throwing hand to secure a 119 MPH Fastball that could get foul tipped and subsequently turn his finger bones into fairy dust. That's it. Only complaint. Shoulda been a 97%.
Sing it with me on the way out folks.
WILD THANG, DUN NUN NUHH-UUHH
YOU MAKE MY HEART SANG, DUN NUN NUHHH-UHHH,
YOU MAKE EVERY-THANG, GROOOO-VAAYYYYY - (cmon cmon now)
WILD THING -------- I THINK I LOVE YOU.
Colby Wohlleb is a BBB (Big Brooklyn Blogger) looking to break into the content creation community of NYC through funny words and hardly apparent alliteration. To learn more about Colby, check out his blog here and his socials here. Listen to Colby's Bus Ride